Beautiful Gaze

"For the Joy Set Before Me" - The Birth Story of Asher Joel Andrews

2009-08-18T19:07:00.004-05:00

So, it's about time I wrote this down!

Asher is now almost 3 weeks old, and it's true what they say: You really do forget the pain of labor. If you would have asked me a day after his birth, I would have recalled vividly the intensity of a contraction and would have relived the experience again. I remember thinking, "Holy crap! That was stinkin' hard!"

But now, well, all I know is my little boy is amazing and that I am so thankful to have him and I really, honestly don't remember the pain. :)

Now for his story.

It all started around 3 or 4 am on July 28, 2009. I woke up a couple of times thinking that maybe, just maybe my water had broken as I felt a constant leakage that was unusual. I didn't feel any contractions at this point at all. I woke up at 9 and had to pee and noticed some unusual discharge. I thought maybe this was the "bloody show" that they all talk about and maybe it was just my mucus plug. (I was really expecting that Asher would be a late baby since he is my first)

So... I thought maybe it would be a good idea to call my midwife and let her know what was going on just in case it was indeed amniotic fluid. I called her and she recommended coming in to check it out (to be safe... they say you have 12 hours before you should go in to the hospital once your fluids have broken to decrease the risk of infection)

I called Steven and let him know the situation. We both fully thought that it was just normal fluids (that preggo women have) and that we would be back home for lunch. I didn't want to be that woman that called "labor" and it wasn't.

We headed out the door as inconspicuously as possible (which at Bethany is hard to do) and packed up the car just in case this was "the day".

We got to the hospital and were sent to triage to see what was happening. The nurse that checked me said that I was only at 1cm (which was strange to me because I was at 1 1/2 cm earlier that week) and they ran a test to see if the fluid was amniotic. They also hooked me up to this machine that tracked the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. I was actually having a lot of contractions at this point, but wasn't feeling them.

Well... they lost the first fluid sample. And by the time the lab found it, it was too late. So they ran the test again and the midwife also ran another test that would tell for sure if it was amniotic fluid.

Much to our surprise, the midwife came back and said, "Well... it looks like your waters have ruptured"

We were shocked! I think so was the midwife. All sorts of excitement and surreal emotions ran through me. Were we ready for this?

The midwife stripped my membranes to help labor progress and by this point, she checked me again and I was at 4 cm!! :)

So, I was admitted and sent to another room. The midwife then broke my water fully (the rupture wasn't the actual "waters breaking" but most likely a rupture higher in the sack) and I had to wear this diaper thing for the rest of the labor. Let's just say I had a lot of fluid...

Still at this point, I wasn't really feeling any contractions and labor seemed like a breeze. Little did I know what lay ahead of me.

My good friend and labor support, Elisa Berry, came and right away was such a blessing. I honestly don't know how I got through labor without her.

We had worship music playing in the background and at one point during a contraction, I started crying because I really felt the presence of God in the room with me. Like a literal, tangible presence. It was so comforting to know He was with me.

I think it was around 6pm or so that the contractions started getting really, really hard. I don't remember much, but I do know that it was really quiet in the room and I would go "inside myself" once a contraction would hit. I would just close my eyes and breathe. Elisa and Steven were amazing and would press hard on my back every time a contraction would start.

Eventually the midwife checked me again and I was at 8 cm. Asher was still pretty high in the birth canal and she started talking about getting my started on pitocin (to which I thought was crazy since I was having incredibly hard contractions. Pitocin makes contractions even stronger and I don't think I could have handle any more pain)

At this point, Elisa said that we should pray and we did. One of the nurses in the room was a Christian and made a comment about laying hands on my belly. Elisa went out of the room at this point to call her friend Carol, who is a midwife, to ask her advice. Elisa came back into the room and said, "Jo, look at me. I know you're not going to want to hear this, but you need to embrace the pain and accept it and push through it"

Elisa and Steven started praying scripture over me. One in particular was "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and I remember the Holy Spirit telling me to say it out loud that I could press through and do this. So, I started saying "I can do this... I can do this... " to the encouragement of Steven. :)

I then had 3 really really intense contractions and all of a sudden felt like I had to push... which when I told Steven this, he immediately ran out of the room to find the midwife and nurses exclaiming, "she feels like she needs to push!" all the while leaving me in the middle of this contraction. :) I love how zealous he was to meet his little boy!

The midwife came back in and checked me and I was at 10cm and Asher was coming down the birth canal! WOO HOO! She recommended that I get in the shower and labor a little there.

So I got in the shower and loved the hot running water! At this point the contractions felt different. They weren't as painful, but felt like they were going somewhere. I later found out that his head was kind of in a funny position which is why he wasn't coming down at the 8 cm point.

Steven, Elisa and I started saying to Asher, "Asher, come out!" while I was in the shower and when I was ready to come out, I felt a renewed sense of hope that I could do this.

I think the pushing was the hardest part for me. It was already 11pm at this point and I was exhausted. I just closed my eyes most of the time and just tried to focus on pushing. Steven was so encouraging. He kept telling me how great of a job I was doing and how much progress I was making.

Asher's head started to crown and the midwife said something about how much hair he had. Steven got really excited at this point and said, "Jo, he has a ton of hair!" and was grinning from ear to ear. Someone said something about me touching his head, and I was so in a state of focus (and really just wanting it to be over) and I just shook my head and said no.

After an hour and a half of pushing, Asher finally came out all slimy and gooey and perfect! After the last push, he was out and they told me to reach down and grab him. I was in such a state of focus that I didn't even realize that it was over. I opened my eyes and grabbed my little boy and put him on my tummy. He cried for a little bit when they were suctioning him out, but once he was on my chest, he stopped crying and was looking around. He was so alert and strong! He grabbed my finger and held on so strongly.

He was born July 29, 2009 at 12:28 am at 7 pounds 12 ounces and 21 inches long!

And I was/am in love. I finally, finally saw my little boy for the first time. Saw his little peepers and face. What an incredible experience!!!!!!!

The Lord really taught me a lot about endurance during his birth. I really really wanted to have a natural birth with no drugs or interventions. After 14 hours of labor, I was able to meet my boy drug free and see his alert little face.

I told a friend of mine after the birth that I do not whatsoever judge or think less of any woman who decides to have a C-Section or an epidural because labor is HARD. I mean, the hardest thing I have ever done. But it's so worth it in the end.

One of the scriptures God gave Steven and I was "for the joy set before him, he endured the cross scorning it's shame". Never before have I come to the end of myself as I did in labor. There were so many points where I didn't think I could do it and where I wanted to give up. Every time I would start to feel that way, Elisa or Steven would speak truth over me.

It's an amazing thing to come to the end of one's self, only to find God faithful to carry you through to the end. He really is faithful to us and He taught me that in the midst of the hardest most painful experience, He is right there with me and I can indeed endure it with Him. And in pushing through, there really is a joy at the end of the pain. For me, it's Asher Joel. He was and is my personal "joy set before me..."

Let's just say I came into that hospital as one woman, and left a completely different one. A little more tender and soft. One that is a little more understanding of pain... one who has to slow down a little and take it all in.

And now for the journey of motherhood. Bring it on. :)

If you eat McDonalds, you're a bad mommy.

2009-06-17T13:50:00.002-05:00

(I came up with that post title the other day as I was struggling to sleep at 3 am. Most nights I sleep... well... like a baby... ?)

You know, the whole process of being pregnant has taught me A LOT about myself and womanhood... and well... people.

Let me tell ya... the most UN-opinionated people in the world suddenly become the world's best expert on birth once you let them know you're preggo.

And, boy, do they have their opinions!

Don't get me wrong. Most of the time it's good stuff and full of the best intentions.

Maybe I'm just a crabby 8 month preggo who can't stand all the "oh, you should do this" and the "oh, you should do that's" anymore.

Part of being a new mom is figuring it all out.

OK... and just for the record I am one of those women that are crazy enough to want to have a natural birth because I know it's "better" for the baby and mommy, etc.

And, I want to experience the joy of giving birth. Birth is just that: an experience. I don't want to be drugged and not actually feel it! Who said pain was a bad thing? I was made for this!

However... I am learning to be careful with my words and opinions (and head full of knowledge because I've read a TON of books on the subject and have become, myself, an expert on birth) because not every woman needs or wants to hear all about how they're a bad mommy if they don't choose the au-natural way!

Or that they're horrible for eating McDonald's during pregnancy.

And most of this stuff is just implied anyway. I mean, I've never had someone slap a Big Mac out of my hand and scold me for eating the greasy goodness because I'm preggo!

(That would be pretty funny though... )

I guess what I am getting at is that entering into Motherhood is such an overwhelming new experience, and we need to be cautious with our words and overabundant in our support, regardless of whether or not we think someone is choosing the "best" option for birth.

Because, man, we have enough to worry about.

And... we want to share the experience, not feel intimidated about it.

Oh man... all this talk about McDonald's has made me hungry! :)

Baby Diaries: Your Frame

2009-06-16T08:32:00.002-05:00

Psalm 139: 13-18
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. "

Sweet son.

I've been thinking a lot about your little frame. Probably because you have this thing that you do in the belly. You like to stick your little bum out (and I like to pat it!) and push out with all your might!

Well... the other day, you seemed to just want to pop right out of me! I was lying on my back reading a book when all of a sudden, your little body was etched on my tummy. I could literally see your little frame. I saw the outline of your head and bum and little legs all curled up (it was a side profile). You are amazing.

All this got me thinking about the reality that you are being knit together, even as I write this, in my womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, my son.

And known.

Even now, your daddy and I are eagerly awaiting the day when we will meet you face to face and see your little features. Your sweet little face. Your toes and fingers. Your little bum! :)

It's such a wonderful and marvelous mystery to be a part of creating life. It's such a joy to know that even though your daddy and I don't fully know you right now... God does.

I love that part of Psalm 139 where it says "When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body."

All this time, even in the beginning as you were just a little speck of cells, jumbled all together, multiplying like crazy! - even then - you were being woven (a process that takes a lot of time and patient loving endurance) and God was with you. He saw you, and knew you, as you were being formed in the safety and comfort of my tummy.

You are no mistake, but created with purpose, with destiny.

I love you, my Asher. :)

Mommy.

Baby Diaries: My, My! How You've Grown!

2009-06-12T09:33:00.001-05:00

You at 15 weeks...

You at 33 weeks...

Baby Diaries: Spazz's of Joy!

2009-05-26T09:49:00.002-05:00

Well, my dear sweet Asher, 10 more weeks to go!

Holy cow!! Only 10 more weeks 'til we get to meet you!! Your daddy and I talk about you all the time and what you will be like... what you will look like... if you'll have your daddy's dimples or my eyes. (I hope you have your daddy's eyelashes... they are my favorite!)

Anyway. We were talking about your name yesterday: Asher Joel

Asher means "happy" or "blessed" while Joel means "Yahweh is God". We were especially talking about your first name, Asher. There's quite a story behind your name!

One week before we knew you were in my belly, the name Asher popped into my head. Now, we have two friends who also have named their little boys Asher, but I didn't even think of them at the time. Then... when we found out we were expecting you, your daddy said, "what do you think of the name Asher?"

And... well... let's just say we knew we were supossed to name you Asher!

I started reading the bible story about your name. The mommy in the story, Leah, couldn't have babies and when she finally was pregnant, she named her son, Asher, because she was so happy to be having a baby! This is the way I feel about you too!

I am SO excited to have you in my life... to be your mommy and teach you things and love you!

Well... there's more to your name. You are such an active little man in the womb and there are times when it just seems like you can't contain yourself and you kick and kick like a wild man! Your daddy says he thinks that there are times when you are just so full of joy that you have to express yourself! Little spazz's of joy! I love that. :)

Oh my sweet son, I hope you always know that you are delighted in and loved! I can't wait to share in the joy of knowing you.

See you soon!!!! :)

Slowing down...

2009-04-10T09:38:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about this.

About how I have become one who doesn't "slow down" and enjoy life. I seem to have set a pace and a course that all of sudden has become a whirl of activity without enjoyment.

What happened to all the artistic and creative expressions of my life? I used to think in songs. Lyrics would pop out of nowhere and express what I was feeling. I actually used to write ALL the time. A sunset would take my breath away. Now... well...

I had a way of dealing with my emotions that didn't include being rude, negative, and frustrated.

Lately, I've just seen how dark my heart really is. Oh man, it's super dark. Down right unlovely.

Ok... so I've tried to blame it all on the fact that I really don't want to be working full time right now and would rather be sitting in a prayer room somewhere under the shading of the apple tree and just being able to "be".

Or... that I don't have time for getting alone with God because of my 9-5 schedule. In reality, it's just because I haven't made time for Him.

BUT yes I know it's way much deeper than that and the layers of my onion-y heart are just being shown for what they are: layers of stink that you smell for days on end if you don't wash it off right away.

I don't want to be this person anymore who isn't full of love and delight. I don't even know where to begin to change. Maybe just realizing that I lack is the place to start. Realizing it again. And again.

Is it because we don't know and believe that we are incandescently loved that we don't love? Is it just the human condition?

If there is one thing I know about Love, it's that it never stops growing (unless of course we let it).

I am definitely in need of this spring warmth to melt away of the coldness of my wintry heart.

As funny as it sounds, I am VERY much looking forward to being at home with my little boy and being up during the wee hours of the quiet morning. There's something about the stillness of the night that awakens my heart to hear better. Yes, it will be a hard season and one of many trials and testing... but also a season of inexpressible JOY.

Father, would you show me your heart during this next season? I need you to heal my heart so I can see the wonderous beauty of who You are and what You have created. Help me please to be a person of joy and delight. Take out this heart of stone, and place in me a heart of flesh.

Baby Diaries - Belly Proximity!

2009-04-01T13:10:00.002-05:00

Well my sweet son... you are getting bigger and bigger by the day it seems! I have a really high desk at work and each week my belly is getting closer and closer to the top of it from my chair. :)

I love that you're getting bigger and stronger. Now, you just need to stay in there until July 31st (your official due date).

Today, is my birthday. It's awesome to think that next year at this time, we'll have you and the three of us will celebrate! It's so so so much fun to think about when you'll be here.

Your daddy told me at lunch that you need siblings. I agree... but it would be nice to wait until you're at least a year or so old. :) I love that he loves you so much already. We're really looking forward to knowing you and your little personality. Life as we know it is going to change SO dramatically... but it's going to be a fun adventure!!

See you soon! 4 more months to go!!! :)

Love your mommy.

Baby Diaries - You're a BOY!

2009-03-26T14:45:00.008-05:00

Hey Sweet Little Man,

So, your daddy and I got to take another peek at you! We went to your ultrasound March 15th... on a Sunday of all days.

Of course, your daddy and I wanted to know if you were a girl or a boy. We just are like that. :)

We ended up having the same technician that we had at your week 12 ultrasound and she was awesome! She kept saying how she was getting a work out because you were moving around so much! (which doesn't surprise me because I've been able to feel you move at week 15)

AND... you weren't afraid to show your stuff. The tech said she was 150% sure you were a boy! (which is what we thought anyway!)

Your daddy told me later that he was fighting back tears the whole time we were at the ultrasound. I would have lost it if he did! It was SO special to see you again and get a little glimpse of who you are. Little mystery! :)

So... MY son... I can't wait to finally meet you!!!

Every time I feel you moving around, it just makes me think of the day we'll get to hold you. You're perfectly healthy and absolutely wonderful! I love the pic of your little face. I think you may have my chin... :) (and hopefully your daddy's dimples!)

Can't wait to meet you little guy. Love you SO SO SO much!

Your mommy

P.s. Everyday I stick out my belly and tell your daddy, "Look! Look at how much your son has grown!" He told me already that he is SO proud of you... and you haven't even done anything yet. But he already loves you very, very much.

Here's so more pics of you!

Still sucking your thumb....

Baby Diaries - March 2, 2009

2009-03-26T14:29:00.001-05:00

Hey sweet little baby bean!

Soon... we'll know if you're a boy little bean or a girl little bean!!! We're so excited to start calling you by your name and we can't wait to find out the results! I have a feeling you're a little boy... just a hunch... both me and your daddy got the same boy name at different times. Your name came to mind even before I knew I was pregnant with you. We'll just have to see. Your Grandma Thompson is making you a quilt, and she too thinks you might be a boy.

AND... you're pretty active in my tummy. I LOVE being able to feel you moving around in there.

AND... you finally let your daddy feel you move!!!!!! I think you wanted him to stop pressing in on your space because you kept kicking him a ton! There were some pretty hard kicks too. I love that he was able to feel you move. His face was so full of happiness and wonder each time you let him know you were there.

We're both getting REALLY excited to meet you... only 5 more months to go. Can it really be that long? I am so enjoying every part of carrying you.. even the not so fun parts like feeling sick and having to go to the bathroom a lot.

One thing that I heard yesterday at church stuck in my mind. You, my sweet baby, will forever exist. From the moment that you were conceived, an incredible thing happened: You came into existence. You, my love, came alive and there will never be another person exactly like you. You are cherished and unique and will always be you.

It made me think of all the little babies that have never had a chance to live outside the womb because their mommies and daddies didn't want them. Can you believe it? How could someone NOT want an amazing miracle like you? But they, just like you, will always exist. They may not have been able to experience life outside the womb, but they are still cherished and loved by their Heavenly Creator just like you are. And He cares about them and about what happened to them. You won't understand all this right now, but this world is a dark place. Even darker still, is humanity. But my sweet little baby, there is a light greater than this darkness. God became a baby, just like you, and came into this world as a fragile human baby just so he could show the world how much He loves us. Someday, I want to explain this all to you. I pray even now that you'll know the presence of Your Heavenly Father even in the womb.

See you soon, my little baby.

Mommy

Baby Diaries - January 29, 2009

2009-03-26T14:28:00.002-05:00

Hey Sweet Little Baby Bean,

I've been meaning to write this for awhile... but we got to see a little sneak preview of you at 12 weeks! The midwife and I weren't sure exactly how big you were, so we scheduled an early ultrasound.

You are so amazing! When the technician first put the thingi (what is it called?) on my belly, you had your legs crossed and your hand under your chin, posing at us! (You are definitely ours... both your daddy and I are such hams!) And... we got a good shot of you sucking your thumb! Already!

I loved being able to see you move around and stretch... even though I can't feel you inside me yet, you are so alive and full of so much personality! You fill me with wonder little one. I am so amazed at how such a little life as you can be so perfectly formed and known already. You're so tiny and yet already so full of spunk!

I can't wait til the day when I can start feeling you kick me... although I'm sure there will be times where I won't want you to!

Your almost at the 14 weeks mark... and still making mommy feel a little sick every once in a while. But you are worth all of it.

Love you little one.

Your mommy

Baby Diaries - January 14, 2009

2009-03-26T14:28:00.001-05:00

My little baby bean... we got to hear your heartbeat yesterday!!! :) It was strong too!

We met with one of the midwives at St. Francis named Jennifer and she was so nice! I know we will be in good hands there! Just hearing your heartbeat made it even more real to me that soon Steven and I will be holding you. We are sooo excited to meet you and see what you are like.

I've been praying for you a lot lately. A part of me gets really worried and fearful about the future, but I am learning to simply trust God for you. This whole thing has taught me a lot about how I often don't trust God. But He is so gracious to me. He loves you SO much too little bean. I remember when we first found out... that night I was laying in bed and just felt God's delight over you. It was like all of heaven was rejoicing. Sneaky God... he knew for awhile! :)

So, we think you are about 10 weeks along... which is what I was thinking too, but just to make sure we're going to have an ultrasound done on Saturday to see where you're at. I can't wait! It's going to be my first peek at you! :)

Love you little one.

Your mama

Baby Diaries - December 9, 2008

2009-03-26T14:26:00.000-05:00

So I thought about this last night as I was up feeling naseous and couldn't sleep. I am going to start a "Baby Blog" to remember all the fun things going on with this little one inside of me!

Prologue

Steven and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year now. And by that I mean, we weren't preventing pregnancy. It just didn't happen and I kept wondering if maybe there was something wrong with me since it didn't just happen easily. Man... it takes work to make-a-baby!

Anyway. We decided to get more serious about this whole "making-a-baby" thing in November... and lo and behold! We're preggo!

Chapter 1

a.k.a. First Trimester

I started feeling a little different the week of December 1st. Something was up. I had missed my period, started feeling REALLY tired and I thought during the week at one point that I had gotten my period, but it turns out it was implantation bleeding. So... on Saturday, December 6 when I came home from shopping and felt like a bus had run me over, I was thinking maybe I had the stomach flu or something.... that Something turned out to be a baby! Steven went to the store and got a couple of tests and after the first one when I said, "OHMIGOSH... we're having a baby!"... he told me to take another just to be sure! And it came back positive as well.

So, with Steven leading the way we proceeded to do a bunch of "happy dances" all around the livingroom. Which immediately was followed by tears, hugs, huge grins and the inevitable "should we tell our parents or wait until Christmas to make it a surprise?" Pure joy I tell ya.

We gave in and told them that same night. We are just so excited.

And then we told everyone else at church the next day. We are just REALLY excited.

Before we told anyone though, we snuggled up together and prayed for our little poppy seed growing in my belly. What a miracle!

We are so full of joy and anticipation for this amazing gift of life.

I am currently either 4-5 weeks pregnant. We won't know for sure until we go to the doctor's but I think I am about 4. Still early, but we're praying that this baby is healthy and grows like it should.